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Thanks to Corrine Alexander for this great topic!

As I was thinking about writing this article, I realized what a big umbrella the phrase “domestic discipline” is. It covers all kinds of relationships, from Orthodox to secular, male dominated and female dominated, polyamorous and polygynous. For the sake of clarity, I’ll restrict my comments to the relationship I know best: a male dominated, monogamous, heterosexual household.

The men in this relationship are often called “head of household” or HoH. There are men who take this role easily and naturally, with or without spanking. And there are men who have to be coaxed to take this kind of responsibility on. My husband was a natural and didn’t need coaxing. He would never have considered a relationship where he was not the HoH, and neither would I. So we had that down pat right from the beginning.

Where does the spanking come in? We are the SPANKING Romance Round Table, after all.

blonde woman kissing man 2616594_sDomestic discipline is usually based upon good and bad behavior by the wife or female partner. That doesn’t mean that the husband HoH is perfect, but rather we presume he has the grace to make up for his shortcomings and take the consequences without a physical punishment. Women, in my experience, are sometimes less willing to say the words, “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong.” I don’t know why that would be the case, but as I’ve seen it in action, I can say anecdotally, that it goes like that.

A woman does not have to be “weak” in order to accept her punishment. Strong women learn to take their lickin’ and remain strong for the family. But that strength should never override a HoH’s final say or become a contest of wills. That’s why the relationship has been divided into one Chief and lots of Indians. Someone has to have the final decision, and in a domestic discipline household, that is usually the husband. Both parties agree to it and, presumably, both parties are willing to accept the responsibility that entails.

As naughty as women can be, it is rare when they don’t realize exactly how awful their behavior is. The HoH is likely to give fair warning if punishment is eminent. A little self-control seems in order for the wife, but sometimes, the whole self-control issue is lost in the frustration of the day. Those frustrations have a tendency to build up and lead to true naughtiness. It is a HoH’s responsibility to stop that behavior in a safe and sane way. Thus, spankings, corner time, writing lines, and other harmless but humiliating punishments.

Humiliation is a big component. It is humiliating to be treated like a child — we don’t even treat children like that anymore! Being vulnerable, less than strong, less than at your most upright and righteous position, is humbling. And that humbleness takes a lot of the starch out of the need to act up.

During punishment, a woman is sometimes brought to tears and as the dam bursts, the frustrations of the day, week, month, are released. Catharsis happens with punishment, along with forgiveness. When you know you’ve been “bad” you want your conscience to be cleared so that you don’t feel guilty for that hurt look on your husband’s face, or the irritation in his voice, or the embarrassment of having a messy house if visitors come to call.

Domestic discipline isn’t a panacea for all marital ills, but it can be (and is) an answer to many couples’ troubles. It does help keep some marriages together, the parties happier, and stress lower.

But what if the wife really enjoys being spanked, less for the catharsis and forgiveness, and more from a physical reaction, often erotic? Is she likely to encourage the punishment spankings in order to feed that urge? I hope not. That’s manipulation and deserves a punishment all on its own. When things get to this point, a long conversation is required, as well as a change of punishments. Something less “pleasant” than spanking becomes an answer. Those kinds of punishments vary considerably from one couple to another.

And maybe erotic spankings can stay on the agenda in order to feed that urge, but it needs to be made clear that punishments and playtime are separate. If they cross the line too often, there’s a disconnect between bad behavior and strict discipline versus bad behavior and a spanking reward.

Domestic discipline can be a very effective tool to make a couple closer as they work through their various issues, and can often make a difficult wife less difficult. And we’re all difficult sometime or another. Harried husbands also get a release of tension when their wives do.

I live a domestic discipline lifestyle and have for almost 20 years. Although I can’t recommend it to everyone, I think for many people it might be the answer to a happier marriage.

Sorry… I forgot this linky list earlier. Blame it on stupidity.


  1. I enjoyed your post very much! The catharsis of a spanking & being held accountable after a building of stress & frustration (the primary cause of most of my punishments) is one of the best things I get out of DD. The clean slate, reset of emotions, & intimacy we feel after makes it all worth it to us. Nothing breaks down unhealthy walls faster for me. Thanks for participating, Trish!

    • I get the same catharsis from spankings as you do, even when I don’t realize I need it and would prefer to avoid it. My husband often sees my emotions more clearly than I do. Thanks for your comment, Corinne.

  2. Pretty sure partners who can’t admit to their own wrongdoings or apologized is why my husband and I both have ex-spouses. 🙂 That failing is not limited to women I can tell you from years of providing marital therapy. And can you imagine a DD relationship where the HoH couldn’t admit his mistakes? That would not work out very well.

    Relationships are tricky, and everyone who finds one that works for them is blessed. It’s wonderful to hear about a successful, happy DD marriage like yours. Yay! Glad you shared.

    • I’m sure there are no gender limitations where apologies are concerned, but I’ve seen it more in women. However, my memory of my ex-husband might be faulty, since that was not the reason we broke up.

      Thanks for coming by, Normandie. I appreciate your comment.

  3. Great analysis, Trish. I enjoyed your post.

  4. I like how you mentioned how a woman doesn’t have to be ‘weak’. In fact, I might add that a woman has to be strong to accept this and accept the discipline her HoH dishes out. If she is weak, to me it becomes subservience, not respect and I think that undermines what they are hopefully working toward.

    Great article! And twenty years. Wow. That is an amazing achievement. I hope one day to be able to say the same thing. 🙂

  5. I totally understand what you are saying about the difference between sex and punishment.
    Punishments are very emotional for me. I don’t do well with my over active guilty complex. The spanking helps me release the guilt.

    But I will be honest, spanking does excite me.

    I hate the guilt and sadness right before a spanking. I feel horrible.

    But a spanking in any other context is something that I truly enjoy and look forward to.

    You are so right about the manipulation for a spanking, being a negative to the relationship.

    When I have done that, I have felt worse afterwards.

    Great post, Trish!

    thanks for sharing!

    • In my experience, when the discipline spanking is considerably more unpleasant than an erotic spanking, a little of that tendency to manipulate is squashed. But every single person who experiences a spanking or who spanks comes at this from a different perspective. That’s what makes these discussions so interesting. Thanks for commenting, Katherine. 🙂


    This is a really thought-provoking post. You made many excellent points!

    You mentioned separating punishment and erotic spankings. Although I agree that making a punishment spanking erotic can certainly complicate things, I think sometimes there is some overlap (no pun intended 😉 ) that can’t be helped. Sometimes, my husband is turned on after punishing me, and we move onto other things as well. I find even punishment spankings deeply erotic, though they don’t necessarily arouse me at the time.

    What are your thoughts on this?


    • For me, punishment spankings are anything but erotic. I hate them and will do everything I can to avoid them, including behaving well. 🙂 However, there are a lot of people who feel as you do. I think that for most people mixing up the two can be counter-productive where good behavior and learning better behavior is concerned. If you like it, aren’t you going to do stuff that makes it happen again? To my way of thinking (and this is only my opinion, remember) the point of the spanking is to make the spankee feel that they’ve atoned and to help them learn not to do the unwanted behavior again. If it all becomes something fun, where’s the learning? Thanks for asking. I always enjoy forming my thoughts into words, and you gave me a chance to do that.

      As a closer… I like erotic spankings, but they come from a whole different mind-set and method for me and my husband.


        Trish said: “If you like it, aren’t you going to do stuff that makes it happen again? To my way of thinking (and this is only my opinion, remember) the point of the spanking is to make the spankee feel that they’ve atoned and to help them learn not to do the unwanted behavior again. If it all becomes something fun, where’s the learning?”

        Well, here’s the thing. I don’t enjoy them at the time at all. In fact, I got a discipline spanking last night and it was awful. I wanted it to end at the time. I hated the anticipation knowing I was going to be punished. And I cried when he was done, I do avoid them, definitely. I completely agree that a punishment spanking helps me atone for what I did and avoid making the same mistake in the future. The entire punishment experience is something undesirable. I have NEVER been turned on after a punishment spanking. It’s the furthest thing from my mind.

        However, I find the fact that my husband will take me in hand firmly deeply erotic. The memory of serious spankings become arousing, when the memory of the experience fades. My husband is a strong, authoritative man, and I find that makes me feel deeply attracted to him.

        So to me…there is no removing the erotic undertones involved with the discipline side of things.

        I do understand this is different for everyone. And I’ve enjoyed the discussion as well! 🙂

  7. Thank you for joining us today! This is a great summary of DD!

    • Thanks, Renee, I appreciate it. I’m guessing a summary is probably missing the point of the exercise, but I’m really glad that some people found it helpful. It’s good to know you have kindred spirits out there, know what I mean?

  8. Yes! Loved this part especially which I totally think is why I sometimes think so many girls I know could probably benefit from a DD marriage (because it seems like they haven’t acknowledged the fact they’ve done wrong):

    “That doesn’t mean that the husband HoH is perfect, but rather we presume he has the grace to make up for his shortcomings and take the consequences without a physical punishment. Women, in my experience, are sometimes less willing to say the words, “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong.” I don’t know why that would be the case, but as I’ve seen it in action, I can say anecdotally, that it goes like that.”

    You’re so right! I mean, it seems like girls have so much of a harder time admitting fault. I mean, I’ve never seen my mother admit fault, or my aunts, or most of my friends–and they do wrong stuff all the time. When all of my brothers, dad, male friends, boy friends, etc, have admitted fault all the time. I don’t know why that is, since women are said to communicate better then men, but… yeah. That’s not every girl everywhere, of course, but it seems like it’s all over the place! Awesome, Patricia. Thanks for your article!

    • I’ve pondered why so many women can’t say they’ve made a mistake, and I have to think it’s something to do with chivalry, that ancient concept so many Western cultures still try to adhere to. Men were taught from those days to always take the blame and make the woman feel like she’s faultless. It’s a bunch of silliness. If women want equality, they have to get off the pedestal and slog through the mud with the men. That means saying, “I’m sorry,” when you’re wrong. Thanks for you comment, Korey.

  9. I love this topic and I love seeing what you ladies who have been at this for a while longer think about it.. Thanks for sharing.

  10. I’m glad there are other people around who knew they wanted this from the beginning, as opposed to one partner persuading the other. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just can’t imagine it myself.

    • Well, in all fairness, I got into this when I was 19, in a relationship with a much older man. I learned a lot about myself, and that helped me know what to look for when I was ready to settle down.

  11. wonderful article. Nice to hear from someone who has such a long time in a DD relationship

    • Sometimes I feel like the old lady of the group. I’m only 53! 🙂 Thanks for coming by, Joelle.

      • well those age things can be deceiving. Especially in our modern culture where marriages just don’t tend to last as long. Myself, I’m 35 and on my second marriage, although I count from the beginning of my relationship with my Master, not when we got legally married, so I say 13 years.

  12. Thanks for your insights coming from a place of experience with the lifestyle. I strongly identify with your statement that neither you nor your partner ever considered living any other way, as that is exactly the position I am in. I waited until I found the guy that matched me in that regard, as well as other aspects of our lives. When you are starting out, it is good to hear about couples that have made it work. Thanks for sharing.

    • I think waiting is a good idea, if you can do it, Johnna. A lot of people don’t realize that they’ve got this proclivity, or that they aren’t twisted out of shape, and go into relationships that can lead to disappointment. If, however, communication is good in the relationship, all that can be overcome.

  13. Great post. I love how you mention that being a woman in a DD relationship, doesn’t mean your weak. In fact, it means you’re pretty darn strong! After all, spankings HURT. 😉

    Lol, in all seriousness though, this was a great post. Loved reading it. 🙂

    • Thank you, Kenzie. It’s true that even very strong people can want to submit to a person whom they perceive as stronger. There’s always someone bigger and badder than you are. LOL

  14. I liked your summarization of Domestic Discipline. I think it helps if you have the right personalities for such a relationship to begin with. Sounds like you and your husband have it down pat 🙂

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